And it's been a long December....

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last

A long December, indeed. A long year at that. I am ready to bid adieu to this month and this year. It seems as though every time something would go wrong, I would think, “Okay, this is the low point. It has to go up from there.” And then reality laughed at me. If this was just one month, even one year out of my life then perhaps it would be more manageable. However, I have approached every New Years’ Eve since 1997 with the same hopes and prayers; that the upcoming year would provide much needed peace and happiness and that the sadness of the year passing would slowly become a thing of the past. Instead, each new year has brought exceedingly difficult trials. I know all of sayings, “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it” and “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”, but seriously…I cannot take much more. I am physically and emotionally wore down.

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls

The stress of all of these events have taken such a toll on my health, the health of my loved ones, my outlook on life, my motivation, my relationships, my family, my everything. I do not know how much more I can manage. My family cannot take much more in the “bad news” department. I cannot take much more. I don’t say all of this to seek sympathy or to be dramatic. I am just frustrated, angry and sad that I need to express it. I need answers, though I know they cannot be found by simply writing a blog. The near future feels very unstable. I know changes are coming that are going to hurt. I know that other changes are coming that the outcome has yet to be determined. Of course, there is always the unknown curveball that God may throw at me at any given time, as well. I feel like I can’t progress with my life at all, that there is nowhere to really go. When I try to make positive changes – even lateral changes – I am met by brick walls or chaos. I want to say that I feel empty, but that’s not entirely accurate. My heart feels heavy. I am filled with anxiety. My stomach is constantly in knots. My body and mind are overwhelmed with fear. I suppose that doesn’t make me empty….but I’m not sure that it’s any better than feeling empty.

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass