The Silent Ranks

I'm so excited and proud to announce that I am a married woman! We got married in Hawaii somewhat spontaneously. Hopefully we'll have something more formal in a few months. It's been driving me nuts not to be able to tell the world, but now I can! I am officially an Army wife. Wow.

Dropping In and 100 Warm Feet Project

It's been over a month since I've posted...sorry! We don't have regular internet access here at home and we were in Hawaii for three weeks and I was just lazy about posting there! I obviously dropped the ball on the meme. Oh well! There will be other memes. I really don't have much time to post an update now (a big one is coming!), but I wanted to post a video that my blog and many other milspouse blogs were featured in! I teared up seeing it. It's a great video, great song and great project for our troops!! Check out the site, too.... Keep feet warm in Afghanistan!!  http://www.verseo.com/100-warmfeet-lp.html

Fears and Frustrations

When I look at a clock to see what time it is, I automatically calculate what time it is in the one of seven time zones he travels between these days. I can’t remember how to knit or how to solve an algebraic equation or where I put my high school yearbook, but I can tell you what time it is in [insert random country here]. TDY shouldn’t bother me this much when we don’t even live on the same continent, but this one is kicking my ass for some reason. Maybe because it’s so long and our communication goes way down when he’s traveling. Maybe because it means it will be at least July before I am able to see him again (which I know is nothing compared to deployments). Maybe it’s because I just wish I was waiting in a place he comes home to instead of here. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a date to count down to of when we’ll get to be together again. I’ve been pretty good about the distance between us until recently. I thought it would have been the other way around; harder at first and then getting easier. Definitely not true. My need for us to call the same place home has become overwhelming. Logically, I know I would be just as alone if we lived together as I am right now, but something inside me feels that it would be different. Still lonely, but a different kind of lonely. I guess I’m just feeling a little insecure about everything right now and I really hate that feeling. I want to know that it won’t always be like this and that we are moving towards something better. In my heart, I do believe that it’s all going to work out and that by the end of the year (if not sooner…oh how I hope it’s sooner) we can finally move forward together. I actually believe that he loves me and that he means it when he says he wants what I want. But my fears are kicking in. However, anyone who knows me would be pretty impressed that it’s taken me over a year for my fears to kick into overdrive. I just miss him. I miss being his arms. I miss his heartbeat. I miss the feeling I get when he walks into the room. I miss it all.

Bits of randomness…
• I am trying to make myself start the Couch to 5K program, but I can’t seem to make my ass go run. I’m not a runner. I’d like to be one, but I’m just not. I need a workout partner desperately. I think that would help a lot. I’d also like to try Zumba, P90X and Insanity. Yeah, I apparently have a death wish.
• I’ll have to call B something other than the Captain later on this year. His name was on the promotion list in March and I am sooo proud of him. I know it was a really big deal for him and I am praying I can be there with him when it actually takes place. I know there has been a lot of controversy, for lack of a better word, about the rank of our significant others on Twitter and the blogosphere this week, but damn if I'm not going to be proud of him. He works his ass off and has for years. Everyone should be proud of their love's accomplishments - enlisted, officer, civilian, whatever. Pride doesn't equal "wearing rank".
• The aforementioned loneliness would probably not be as ever present if I didn’t have so much down time on my hands, but the job hunt STILL sucks. My grad school was listed as #1 in the country by US News and World Report this week. A lot of good that degree and ranking are doing me, huh? I really regret not getting my degree in something else now.
• I did what I said I would never do last week. I read the Twilight series. I am hooked and feel like a dork. I need to watch the movies now. I wish there were more books in the series. I am having withdrawals.
• I hate Clearwire Internet service. They suck.
* I'm sad that Ugly Betty is over.
* I want an iPad. And an iPod Touch. And a MacBook. Yeah...I'm trying to become an Apple junkie. Too bad that takes money.

I think that covers my random thoughts and irritations. My mind is just all over the place right now! Thanks for following along :)

Still Alive

Yes, I am indeed still alive. I've been in a bit of a slump and doubt anyone wants to hear me whine! But I may just throw myself a pity party anyway and blog later on today. Hawaii was fantastic. Seeing the Captain was even better. It went by way too fast. That is all for now. Just wanted to resurface a bit! Happy Good Friday!

Flashback Friday

Junior prom. Taco Bell.

Stay classy, Mt. Juliet.

She's Going the Distance

Here we are a few days into 2010 and I’m definitely in the post-holiday slump. Oh wait…I was never on the holiday high, was I? Well that’s okay. I did have a wonderful few days with the Captain (no, not Captain Morgan! We did pay him a visit, though.) here and in Atlanta. The time we spend together goes by way too fast. I definitely live for the moment when we are together. Turn off the phone. Log off the Internet. None of that matters when I know I have a few days with him – and a few days only. I actually left my BB on for the first few hours we were in Atlanta and it just proved to be a huge distraction that I didn’t need.

Most people who read this know that my better half is in the Army. (Maybe some days I’m the better half? Who knows? I digress…) We’ve been together for a year now and we’ve been apart for the vast majority of that year. It has been, by far, the most challenging and most rewarding year of my life. I can say with the utmost certainty that no one has ever made me happier and I have never been so proud of another person in my life. With him, I have found strength that I did not know I possessed. This relationship has definitely changed my perception of who I am, what I want and where I want my life to go. It has really changed my perception of many things and it has been an interesting evolution on my end. I’ve also caught a lot of hell from people who don’t “get it”. Why would I want to put myself through a long-distance relationship? Why would I want to date a Soldier? Really? Why would anyone ask me these things? Can you not ask that of any relationship? Dating a Soldier is tough. Yes. But I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world. He is worth all of the ups and downs, the uncertainties, the challenges and the lonely days. The pros always outweigh the aforementioned cons. Yes, he is absolutely worth it all.

So now, he goes back to his world in the Pacific and I remain here in (very) chilly Tennessee. I don’t know what this year will bring and there are aspects of the unknown that scare me. I know there will be plenty of loneliness and tears (along with a great deal of love), but better things are on the way. Wonderfully big and better things. This much, I know.

The frequently asked question..."Why are you single?"

So why are you still single?"

I'm often asked this question. I guess it is because most of the people in my age bracket are married now and having children. Why am I not in that lucky group of people? Did I want a career first? Is it because I've spent 88% of my adult life in some form of higher education? Do I not want a family?

My usual answers are, "Because I haven't met the right person, yet", "Because I don't want marry someone just for the sake of having a husband", "I haven't really found a good way to meet people", and my favorite "I don't know".

I was asked this question early last month by someone who seemed so surprised that I had not been "snatched up" yet. He thought surely by now "someone like me" would have met my Mr. Right and working on the happily ever after part. So I told him all my general reasons, all of which are true. He said he felt lucky to have met me while I was still single and proceeded to fill my head with fabulous compliments. Seriously now. In a month, he managed to say more nice and flattering things to me than Chris did in 4 years. Well, fast forward to today and said individual apparently just likes to use those lines. Nope, I wasn't anyone special and he didn't mean any of those breathtaking, sweet words. I fell for the lines and my player radar did not go off. Awesome. Back to square one, kiddos.

So in all honesty, THAT is why I am single. Men like that are why I have not met Mr. Right because all I seem to meet are Mr. Let-me-make-you-feel-so-good-about-yourself-that-you-think-I'm-charming-and-perfect-then-I'll-blow-you-off types of men. So if you are a man like that, don't ask a woman why she is single. It's because you make her that way. You don't really give her any other option.



*She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty and I think my head is caving in.
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
by a hand that's touched me
And I feel like something's gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry
...........
She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think the truth is gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to wanna shine
Cause I'm a little bit dirty
...........
Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
Cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged
And you, you don't know me*

These Are The Moments

written 01/16/2008
"There are moments that mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same. Moments when time is divided into two parts. Before this and after this."

What are your moments? I know I have mine. I have some very distinct moments that at that time I KNEW life would not be the same. There are some moments that now looking back, I can say, "Wow, life really did change after one moment." Some are very small and some are obvious, smack you in the face life changing moments. So being the sharing person that I am, I'm going to expand on some of these moments, I guess the more obvious ones. (Cause I KNOW you are dying to hear about it….right? **just nod and smile**)

*07/19/1984 – This was the day that my brother, Justin, died. Life most certainly was not the same after that. People were not the same after that. Even though I was very young (it was the day before my 6th birthday), I can distinctly recognize the difference in my parents and myself after that moment.
*07/15/1993 – I won't go into much detail on this one, but it most certainly changed the path of my life.
*I think any time that I moved from state to state changed the path of life. That's how I categorize memories – "Oh, that was when I lived Houston, so it must have been around this time."
*10/17/1986 – There are also moments that mark your life in a positive way. I think we dwell quite a bit on the negative…. This day Jordan, my youngest brother, was born. A blessed moment, indeed.
*11/26/1994 – A moment some would find silly actually changed everything for me. Since you will laugh at me, I won't say what it is, but it kind of restored my faith in people.
*05/04/1998 – The day that I had brain surgery. This brought about both positive and negative changes in my life. I know that I am a different person now; I have a different perspective on relationships, health and life. It changed my faith and Christian life (for the better). I can't say that I realized it at the time and I'm sure it wasn't THAT day that made the difference, but the experience itself.
*12/23/1998 – My Papa died very suddenly. This marked a huge shift in my entire life.
*01/09/1999 – Now this is one of my best friend's wedding date, but that's not why it's a life changing day of MY life. This was when I went against my better judgment and entered into a relationship for the wrong reasons (I was grieving, he was there) and it most certainly changed the path of my life.
*Late June/early July 1999 (I know, you're shocked I don't know the exact date.) – Again, went against my better judgment and made the decision to stay in said relationship. I know now that if I didn't walk away at that point, I was never going to. Well THAT didn't get me anywhere.
*There were many moments in high school, particularly my 9th and 10th grade years, that changed me. I think at that time I became a more cynical individual and lost a lot of personal strength and confidence.
*January 2000 – A revelation rocked my world and the world of those around me. Lives were changed, people were changed and I became a different person.
*05/12/2001 – I graduated college….and realized I didn't have a clue what to do with my life. (For those of you reading this that are Delta Zetas and attended the alum academy in Dallas last year, this SHOULD have been my OSM!)
*07/20/2001 – My birthday. Something was promised to me that I did not receive. It shifted the relationship, not because it was material but because of what it represented, and it changed the view that my family had on the relationship. Trust was lost. Should have walked away…..but no, that just leads me to more moments.
*05/04/2002 – He comes home and drops the bomb. Everything up to that point was a different story from what he came home with. I had altered my life up to that point for him. Everything after that day was starting over and I, again, was changed. (So how many people have I been now???) All of those years were a total waste of time. BUT…the silver lining is that it didn't go any further, as I would probably be divorced with some kids now. Well, the kids wouldn't be so bad, but not with him!
*08/25/2004 – My 20 year old cousin died after brain surgery as a result of a head injury. Completely shocking and hard to grasp. He had only been married a year, had adopted his wife's son and had a little girl on the way that he didn't get to know about. Really opens your eyes to living your life and loving those around you.
*Fall 2004 – My grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer. Cancer had never really affected my life until this point and while I didn't know it at the time, it paved the way for me to find something I was passionate about.
*05/13/2005 – I graduated from Vanderbilt with my Masters. I think this was the first I really felt like I had accomplished something.
*09/18/2005 – I stayed with my grandfather his last night. I cared for him, I cried, I was angry, I was remorseful over things not said or done, I was so sad that he wasn't cognizant of who I was but relieved that he was not conscious of what was happening. It was the first time I felt like a "grown up". I was there with my family when he died. I had never witnessed a death, much less of someone I loved. It definitely left an emptiness inside and a need for something more in my life.
*01/30/2007 – The day I learned that I would be an aunt! This, of course, changed many people's lives….but certainly in a positive way. We probably didn't realize at the time what an absolute blessing the little baby would be.
*03/24/2007 – I gained a sister-in-law who has become one of my best friends. I saw my brother change into a husband and not just a kid. My family expanded.
*I don't know the date, but when I found out my dear friend, Meredith, had stage 4 stomach cancer. Mer was only a few months older than me and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It really made me think about my own mortality and I was amazed by her grace and strength and positive attitude. I never thought about the possibility of cancer at my age. It made me angry, it scared me, but fed into the passion that was growing for working with oncology. When she passed away on 11/30/2007, I have to admit I lost a little bit of hope.
*Fall 2006 – I reconnected with someone who was a close friend in high school. He had been through some extremely traumatic times. This changed me in many ways – I saw how he had persevered and how your outlook on things can really change how you deal with a situation. I saw that miracles do indeed happen. I also learned a lot about myself and recognized that I was changing into a stronger, more logical and self-assured person. (I know, you are laughing at me. Putting Heather in the same sentence with strong, self-assured and logical seems like a joke. Shut up)
*10/2/2007 – My perfect, wonderful, sweet and precious nephew, Jakob Thomas was born. I became an aunt, my parents became grandparents, my brother and sister-in-law transitioned into parenthood and there was a new life that suddenly I don't know how we ever could have lived without.
*Summer 2007 – Another touchy subject, but there is a clear before and after here. And it's ongoing.

Did you make it to the end? Gold star for you. It's kind of interesting to recognize that so many moments in life change everything. So I guess our lives are forever changing. And I even told you about it in a pretty collage of color.