Fears and Frustrations

When I look at a clock to see what time it is, I automatically calculate what time it is in the one of seven time zones he travels between these days. I can’t remember how to knit or how to solve an algebraic equation or where I put my high school yearbook, but I can tell you what time it is in [insert random country here]. TDY shouldn’t bother me this much when we don’t even live on the same continent, but this one is kicking my ass for some reason. Maybe because it’s so long and our communication goes way down when he’s traveling. Maybe because it means it will be at least July before I am able to see him again (which I know is nothing compared to deployments). Maybe it’s because I just wish I was waiting in a place he comes home to instead of here. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a date to count down to of when we’ll get to be together again. I’ve been pretty good about the distance between us until recently. I thought it would have been the other way around; harder at first and then getting easier. Definitely not true. My need for us to call the same place home has become overwhelming. Logically, I know I would be just as alone if we lived together as I am right now, but something inside me feels that it would be different. Still lonely, but a different kind of lonely. I guess I’m just feeling a little insecure about everything right now and I really hate that feeling. I want to know that it won’t always be like this and that we are moving towards something better. In my heart, I do believe that it’s all going to work out and that by the end of the year (if not sooner…oh how I hope it’s sooner) we can finally move forward together. I actually believe that he loves me and that he means it when he says he wants what I want. But my fears are kicking in. However, anyone who knows me would be pretty impressed that it’s taken me over a year for my fears to kick into overdrive. I just miss him. I miss being his arms. I miss his heartbeat. I miss the feeling I get when he walks into the room. I miss it all.

Bits of randomness…
• I am trying to make myself start the Couch to 5K program, but I can’t seem to make my ass go run. I’m not a runner. I’d like to be one, but I’m just not. I need a workout partner desperately. I think that would help a lot. I’d also like to try Zumba, P90X and Insanity. Yeah, I apparently have a death wish.
• I’ll have to call B something other than the Captain later on this year. His name was on the promotion list in March and I am sooo proud of him. I know it was a really big deal for him and I am praying I can be there with him when it actually takes place. I know there has been a lot of controversy, for lack of a better word, about the rank of our significant others on Twitter and the blogosphere this week, but damn if I'm not going to be proud of him. He works his ass off and has for years. Everyone should be proud of their love's accomplishments - enlisted, officer, civilian, whatever. Pride doesn't equal "wearing rank".
• The aforementioned loneliness would probably not be as ever present if I didn’t have so much down time on my hands, but the job hunt STILL sucks. My grad school was listed as #1 in the country by US News and World Report this week. A lot of good that degree and ranking are doing me, huh? I really regret not getting my degree in something else now.
• I did what I said I would never do last week. I read the Twilight series. I am hooked and feel like a dork. I need to watch the movies now. I wish there were more books in the series. I am having withdrawals.
• I hate Clearwire Internet service. They suck.
* I'm sad that Ugly Betty is over.
* I want an iPad. And an iPod Touch. And a MacBook. Yeah...I'm trying to become an Apple junkie. Too bad that takes money.

I think that covers my random thoughts and irritations. My mind is just all over the place right now! Thanks for following along :)

She's Going the Distance

Here we are a few days into 2010 and I’m definitely in the post-holiday slump. Oh wait…I was never on the holiday high, was I? Well that’s okay. I did have a wonderful few days with the Captain (no, not Captain Morgan! We did pay him a visit, though.) here and in Atlanta. The time we spend together goes by way too fast. I definitely live for the moment when we are together. Turn off the phone. Log off the Internet. None of that matters when I know I have a few days with him – and a few days only. I actually left my BB on for the first few hours we were in Atlanta and it just proved to be a huge distraction that I didn’t need.

Most people who read this know that my better half is in the Army. (Maybe some days I’m the better half? Who knows? I digress…) We’ve been together for a year now and we’ve been apart for the vast majority of that year. It has been, by far, the most challenging and most rewarding year of my life. I can say with the utmost certainty that no one has ever made me happier and I have never been so proud of another person in my life. With him, I have found strength that I did not know I possessed. This relationship has definitely changed my perception of who I am, what I want and where I want my life to go. It has really changed my perception of many things and it has been an interesting evolution on my end. I’ve also caught a lot of hell from people who don’t “get it”. Why would I want to put myself through a long-distance relationship? Why would I want to date a Soldier? Really? Why would anyone ask me these things? Can you not ask that of any relationship? Dating a Soldier is tough. Yes. But I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world. He is worth all of the ups and downs, the uncertainties, the challenges and the lonely days. The pros always outweigh the aforementioned cons. Yes, he is absolutely worth it all.

So now, he goes back to his world in the Pacific and I remain here in (very) chilly Tennessee. I don’t know what this year will bring and there are aspects of the unknown that scare me. I know there will be plenty of loneliness and tears (along with a great deal of love), but better things are on the way. Wonderfully big and better things. This much, I know.

Don't mind me....

I'm just ranting.

• Why are people so obscenely inconsiderate? Tact and manners are completely underrated these days. If I wanted to be berated, I'd go have a conversation with my ex-boyfriend. I don't expect that from someone I consider (considered?) a friend.
• I was behind a car today that had bumper stickers that annoyed me. "YES WE DID" Yes we did what? Elect a socialist? Weaken our national security? Indeed. We did. I'm so proud. "PEACE. BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND." Really? Last time I checked, we were still targeted by terrorists and our brave men and women are still sacrificing for us overseas. Would peace be great? Absolutely. Do I think it's feasible in this day and time? Unfortunately, I don't.
• I wish people (in this case, colleagues) would either mind their own business or just ask what is going on. We are adults. Why gossip and act the age of the children we teach?

Sigh.

I guess I just have a lot of frustration and most of it is aimed at rude people. We don't all have to like each other, but can we just leave well enough alone?