Day Fifteen: Something you couldn't live without, because you've tried
Sounds lame, but the Internet. I hate not having immediate access to people, news, information, etc. With the Internet, you can lack cable, stereo or a phone if you have to, but still be able to watch TV and movies, listen to music and communicate with others. I'm able to make international calls for free. I can prove the Captain wrong at any time by looking up proof to my side of a debate. (That's pretty important, right?)
Day Sixteen: Something you can live without
While I prefer not to, I can live without cable. I can access shows online (as I already mentioned) and can pretty much keep up with any series I want to that way. I don't like to do it that way, but if I had to, I could do it.
Showing posts with label 30 More Days. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 30 More Days. Show all posts
27 September 2010
26 September 2010
Let Down
Day Fourteen: A hero who has let you down (a letter)
Dear Hero,
I've always looked up to you. I've always admired you. It was such a disappointment when I found out what you had done. You are better than that. I know you are. You may not think you are, but you're selling yourself short. I don't know if you consciously try to sabotage anything good that comes your way or if you just don't think before you act. I am so crestfallen when I hear about you making such poor decisions. I still love you and I still care about you and I will always be proud of you overcoming adversity, but I want to be able to trust you again. I want to trust you and have faith that you are trying to walk down the right path. I want to see you be the person you were meant to be and not someone who hurts the people that love you most.
Love,
Me
Dear Hero,
I've always looked up to you. I've always admired you. It was such a disappointment when I found out what you had done. You are better than that. I know you are. You may not think you are, but you're selling yourself short. I don't know if you consciously try to sabotage anything good that comes your way or if you just don't think before you act. I am so crestfallen when I hear about you making such poor decisions. I still love you and I still care about you and I will always be proud of you overcoming adversity, but I want to be able to trust you again. I want to trust you and have faith that you are trying to walk down the right path. I want to see you be the person you were meant to be and not someone who hurts the people that love you most.
Love,
Me
24 September 2010
Playing Catch Up
Well I'm not doing very well at keeping up with my meme! I think I drew a bit of a blank on a few of the questions and I hate to post non-answers. I may have to though at some point. I'm just going to pick up where I left off and go from there!
Day Twelve: Something you never get compliments on
This is kind of an odd question. Are we trying to focus on my imperfections, or what? I most certainly never get complimented on my rockin' body or perfect complexion. Thanks for reminding me!
Day Thirteen: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough-ass days (A letter)
Dear Dave (as in Matthews),
Thank you for writing music that I can listen to in almost any mood. You've gotten me through tough workouts. You've made me cry. You've made me think. You've kept me going on some pretty difficult days. You have a unique writing style that I love and the music itself it amazing.
Dear Alanis,
Thank you for writing angry white girl music. It is cathartic.
PS - Speaking of angry white girl, I confess I liked your music better when you were jaded and vengeful.
Day Twelve: Something you never get compliments on
This is kind of an odd question. Are we trying to focus on my imperfections, or what? I most certainly never get complimented on my rockin' body or perfect complexion. Thanks for reminding me!
Day Thirteen: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough-ass days (A letter)
Dear Dave (as in Matthews),
Thank you for writing music that I can listen to in almost any mood. You've gotten me through tough workouts. You've made me cry. You've made me think. You've kept me going on some pretty difficult days. You have a unique writing style that I love and the music itself it amazing.
Dear Alanis,
Thank you for writing angry white girl music. It is cathartic.
PS - Speaking of angry white girl, I confess I liked your music better when you were jaded and vengeful.
19 September 2010
Days 10-11
Day Ten: Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know
Hmmm. I've been procrastinating on this one because I'm not sure I have an answer. I have pretty much parted ways with most of the people who were toxic in my life. There are people I wish I had not known from my past, but no one in the present.
Day Eleven: Something people seem to compliment you on the most
Physically, either my hair or my eyes. Other than that, I am usually appreciated (would that be the same thing?) for caring about others and remembering birthdays. :)
I can't believe Vandy beat Ole Miss yesterday! Way to go, Dores!! Unfortunately, the Vols fell to the Gators. Yeah yeah yeah, it was expected. I was hopeful, though! They really did play a great game. Getting ready to watch my Titans in a couple of hours!! I love this time of year.
Image via Wikipedia
Hmmm. I've been procrastinating on this one because I'm not sure I have an answer. I have pretty much parted ways with most of the people who were toxic in my life. There are people I wish I had not known from my past, but no one in the present.
Day Eleven: Something people seem to compliment you on the most
Physically, either my hair or my eyes. Other than that, I am usually appreciated (would that be the same thing?) for caring about others and remembering birthdays. :)
I can't believe Vandy beat Ole Miss yesterday! Way to go, Dores!! Unfortunately, the Vols fell to the Gators. Yeah yeah yeah, it was expected. I was hopeful, though! They really did play a great game. Getting ready to watch my Titans in a couple of hours!! I love this time of year.
Image via Wikipedia17 September 2010
Past Connections
This one is lengthy....
Day Eight: Someone who made your life hell
I've already mentioned one person, but who wants to talk about him again? The one who really pops into mind that treated me terribly was my first "real" boyfriend. I was in high school and was definitely young and stupid. I knew I shouldn't have dated this guy, but frankly, I was tired of him bothering me about it so I said yes. I suppose his stalkerish behaviors prior to dating should have warned me, and I guess they did because I didn't want to be alone with him at first, but like I said - young and stupid. For awhile, it was okay. I liked the attention and the serious relationship was something new to me. There were a lot of things I didn't like about him and at times I found him to be pretty scary. The honeymoon was over after about six months. He was very possessive. I "had" to break ties with most of my friends, especially the male friends. I did things I did not want to do just to keep the peace between us. He threatened me. He threatened my family. He blamed me for everything (really? it's my fault you got caught speeding?). He cheated on me. He wouldn't "allow" me to break up with him. He insulted me. He convinced me that I wasn't worthy of anyone and that I was lucky to have him. He told everyone else I was worthless. This went on for two years. I tried to end things and he'd threaten things that scared me to death, so I stayed. My friends were concerned for me. My parents hated him. I never told anyone about the way he really was because I was afraid of retaliation. And my teenage pride wouldn't allow me to admit that my parents were right. He ended up breaking with me and oddly enough, I was devastated. My psyche was so screwed up at that point that I didn't know what I would do without him, even if I was miserable. Of course, this misery didn't last long. I realized I was so much happier without him and I could have fun again. He continued to make my life hell, though. He threatened the guys I dated afterward, he stalked me, he said horrible things about me to get people not to ask me out and taunted me every now and then. This would go on until well after I graduated high school and until I finally moved out of the town we lived in. While this happened a million years ago, I can see where it shaped a lot of my personality and attitude today. I still avoid conflict in order to keep things peaceful. I still have very low self-worth. I still feel like everything bad that happens is my fault. It set me up to accept a lot of crap from relationships in the years following. But in some ways, I wonder if it made me stronger. I can take a lot. That doesn't mean I should, but when I have to, I can. I wish I would have never given in to dating him, but I can certainly say I learned a lot.
Day Nine: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted
This is actually something that has been bothering me for a few months. My senior year of high school, I ran around with a group of four other girls. I had been friends with all of them for years, but we just bonded and stuck together that year for some reason. There was one in particular that I was closest to. I think we may have had the most in common and we had the same mindset at time when the rest of the group didn't. When we all went on vacations, she and I would split off sometimes and do our own thing. She was a great friend and we had a lot of fun. She and two of the other girls went to a different college than I did. Friendships wavered, relationships waned, that's just how things go after high school. She and I stayed in touch, though. My sophomore year of college, I had to have brain surgery. She drove the almost two hours to come see me in the hospital, which meant so much to me. I didn't have many visitors and I felt like my local friends were too busy to deal with me. I was really touched that she took the time to see me. We were pretty close through college. I went to her graduation. Then we ended up living in the same city and we worked in the same field. We even worked for the same company once. The last few years, she pretty much stopped talking to me. At first she said she was just dealing with a lot - and she was - and was self-isolating. But more time went on and it was obvious I was cut out of her life. It really hurt and I didn't understand it. Well she joined up on Facebook recently and I friended her...and she denied me. She's friends with just about everyone else from our high school, but she won't connect with me. I still don't understand. To absolutely want nothing to do with me, I feel like I had to have done something to offend her. For the life of me, I cannot come up with anything. There was never a falling out and I can't think of anything malicious I did. Drifting apart happens, but to sever ties completely is something else. I'd love to be able to share my life with her right now and I'd love to hear about her marriage and her children. I treasured her as a friend and it hurts to not have her in my life. It hurts even more because I don't know why.
Day Eight: Someone who made your life hell
I've already mentioned one person, but who wants to talk about him again? The one who really pops into mind that treated me terribly was my first "real" boyfriend. I was in high school and was definitely young and stupid. I knew I shouldn't have dated this guy, but frankly, I was tired of him bothering me about it so I said yes. I suppose his stalkerish behaviors prior to dating should have warned me, and I guess they did because I didn't want to be alone with him at first, but like I said - young and stupid. For awhile, it was okay. I liked the attention and the serious relationship was something new to me. There were a lot of things I didn't like about him and at times I found him to be pretty scary. The honeymoon was over after about six months. He was very possessive. I "had" to break ties with most of my friends, especially the male friends. I did things I did not want to do just to keep the peace between us. He threatened me. He threatened my family. He blamed me for everything (really? it's my fault you got caught speeding?). He cheated on me. He wouldn't "allow" me to break up with him. He insulted me. He convinced me that I wasn't worthy of anyone and that I was lucky to have him. He told everyone else I was worthless. This went on for two years. I tried to end things and he'd threaten things that scared me to death, so I stayed. My friends were concerned for me. My parents hated him. I never told anyone about the way he really was because I was afraid of retaliation. And my teenage pride wouldn't allow me to admit that my parents were right. He ended up breaking with me and oddly enough, I was devastated. My psyche was so screwed up at that point that I didn't know what I would do without him, even if I was miserable. Of course, this misery didn't last long. I realized I was so much happier without him and I could have fun again. He continued to make my life hell, though. He threatened the guys I dated afterward, he stalked me, he said horrible things about me to get people not to ask me out and taunted me every now and then. This would go on until well after I graduated high school and until I finally moved out of the town we lived in. While this happened a million years ago, I can see where it shaped a lot of my personality and attitude today. I still avoid conflict in order to keep things peaceful. I still have very low self-worth. I still feel like everything bad that happens is my fault. It set me up to accept a lot of crap from relationships in the years following. But in some ways, I wonder if it made me stronger. I can take a lot. That doesn't mean I should, but when I have to, I can. I wish I would have never given in to dating him, but I can certainly say I learned a lot.
Day Nine: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted
This is actually something that has been bothering me for a few months. My senior year of high school, I ran around with a group of four other girls. I had been friends with all of them for years, but we just bonded and stuck together that year for some reason. There was one in particular that I was closest to. I think we may have had the most in common and we had the same mindset at time when the rest of the group didn't. When we all went on vacations, she and I would split off sometimes and do our own thing. She was a great friend and we had a lot of fun. She and two of the other girls went to a different college than I did. Friendships wavered, relationships waned, that's just how things go after high school. She and I stayed in touch, though. My sophomore year of college, I had to have brain surgery. She drove the almost two hours to come see me in the hospital, which meant so much to me. I didn't have many visitors and I felt like my local friends were too busy to deal with me. I was really touched that she took the time to see me. We were pretty close through college. I went to her graduation. Then we ended up living in the same city and we worked in the same field. We even worked for the same company once. The last few years, she pretty much stopped talking to me. At first she said she was just dealing with a lot - and she was - and was self-isolating. But more time went on and it was obvious I was cut out of her life. It really hurt and I didn't understand it. Well she joined up on Facebook recently and I friended her...and she denied me. She's friends with just about everyone else from our high school, but she won't connect with me. I still don't understand. To absolutely want nothing to do with me, I feel like I had to have done something to offend her. For the life of me, I cannot come up with anything. There was never a falling out and I can't think of anything malicious I did. Drifting apart happens, but to sever ties completely is something else. I'd love to be able to share my life with her right now and I'd love to hear about her marriage and her children. I treasured her as a friend and it hurts to not have her in my life. It hurts even more because I don't know why.
15 September 2010
Living Life
Day Seven: Someone who makes your life worth living
I think the way that this is worded might be a little dramatic. Life is worth living because, well, its my life. It's a gift. What I can say is that the Captain makes my life more enjoyable and more worthwhile. He actually makes feel alive. While I wasn't really looking for someone when we started dating (frankly, I had probably given up on the notion that I would find someone I was happy with), I see now that I was feeling very empty. My life wasn't all that fulfilling. I had my work, my family, my friends, my sorority activities...but there was definitely something missing. There was a void I had ignored. There was certainly no adventure. In some ways, I really wasn't feeling anything. I was just going through the motions of life. The last 19-20 months have brought me back to feeling alive, though. I have the full range of emotions that I should have and I feel so many things that I'm not sure I've ever truly felt. I definitely have more adventure. I feel more of a sense of purpose. I have a clear vision of what I want in life, what is important, what is not and what I value. He has made my life better in so many ways and I now feel like I am truly living.
I think the way that this is worded might be a little dramatic. Life is worth living because, well, its my life. It's a gift. What I can say is that the Captain makes my life more enjoyable and more worthwhile. He actually makes feel alive. While I wasn't really looking for someone when we started dating (frankly, I had probably given up on the notion that I would find someone I was happy with), I see now that I was feeling very empty. My life wasn't all that fulfilling. I had my work, my family, my friends, my sorority activities...but there was definitely something missing. There was a void I had ignored. There was certainly no adventure. In some ways, I really wasn't feeling anything. I was just going through the motions of life. The last 19-20 months have brought me back to feeling alive, though. I have the full range of emotions that I should have and I feel so many things that I'm not sure I've ever truly felt. I definitely have more adventure. I feel more of a sense of purpose. I have a clear vision of what I want in life, what is important, what is not and what I value. He has made my life better in so many ways and I now feel like I am truly living.
14 September 2010
Hope and Plans
Day Five: Something you hope to do in your life
I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to travel extensively. I'd like to visit every continent (yes, even Antarctica).
Day Six: Something you hope you never have to do
Survive my children. Become a Gold Star wife.
The Captain talked to someone at Branch yesterday and it looks like we'll be moving to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas in a few months. He should have orders by the end of the month. It's not where we wanted to go, but it's only a year and we're both excited about moving back to the US. I'm also glad to know where we are going and start planning!
Image via Wikipedia
I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to travel extensively. I'd like to visit every continent (yes, even Antarctica).
Day Six: Something you hope you never have to do
Survive my children. Become a Gold Star wife.
The Captain talked to someone at Branch yesterday and it looks like we'll be moving to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas in a few months. He should have orders by the end of the month. It's not where we wanted to go, but it's only a year and we're both excited about moving back to the US. I'm also glad to know where we are going and start planning!
Image via Wikipedia 12 September 2010
Forgiveness
Day Three: Something I need to forgive myself for
Well. How do I answer this one (and the next one) sufficiently without saying too much? I suppose they will both be pretty vague. Several years ago I did something fairly reckless and it could have hurt other people. As it turned out, I probably hurt myself more than anyone else. No one died. No laws were broken. It was just an epic lack of judgment on my part and it wasn't in line with my character. While the outcome was far less harmful than it had the potential to be, I find that I haven't really been able to forgive myself for it.
Day Four: Something I need to forgive someone else for
As much as I would love to blast this person and tell the world what he did, I have to protect the innocent; his victims. I know an individual who hurt people that I care about. He hurt them in ways that are pretty close to unforgivable. Well, I guess they are unforgivable to me at this point in my life, anyway. His actions were bad enough, but they caused such a domino effect that no one involved was left unscathed. He broke people. He broke families. He broke faith. I suppose the rest of us were collateral damage, but the damage has proved to be permanent. Maybe I would be able to forgive if he had paid some price. Maybe there are more people than just him that I am so uncontrollably angry with at times. It's a heavy, dark loathing that I carry for him and I know it's unhealthy. It has been a long time and maybe one day I will find a way to forgive. I know that I need to. His victims, direct and indirect, have paid heavily. It is unjust. I need to figure out how to rid myself of the anger, the sorrow, the pain and the animosity. One day, maybe. One day.
Well. How do I answer this one (and the next one) sufficiently without saying too much? I suppose they will both be pretty vague. Several years ago I did something fairly reckless and it could have hurt other people. As it turned out, I probably hurt myself more than anyone else. No one died. No laws were broken. It was just an epic lack of judgment on my part and it wasn't in line with my character. While the outcome was far less harmful than it had the potential to be, I find that I haven't really been able to forgive myself for it.
Day Four: Something I need to forgive someone else for
As much as I would love to blast this person and tell the world what he did, I have to protect the innocent; his victims. I know an individual who hurt people that I care about. He hurt them in ways that are pretty close to unforgivable. Well, I guess they are unforgivable to me at this point in my life, anyway. His actions were bad enough, but they caused such a domino effect that no one involved was left unscathed. He broke people. He broke families. He broke faith. I suppose the rest of us were collateral damage, but the damage has proved to be permanent. Maybe I would be able to forgive if he had paid some price. Maybe there are more people than just him that I am so uncontrollably angry with at times. It's a heavy, dark loathing that I carry for him and I know it's unhealthy. It has been a long time and maybe one day I will find a way to forgive. I know that I need to. His victims, direct and indirect, have paid heavily. It is unjust. I need to figure out how to rid myself of the anger, the sorrow, the pain and the animosity. One day, maybe. One day.
10 September 2010
Day Two of Truth
Day Two: Something you love about yourself
As I mentioned yesterday, this entry is a bit more challenging. I tend to be so hard on myself and focus on the things that I don't like, so when I try to think of what I do like, I draw a blank. I think that I am a very loving and loyal person. I'm a good daughter, good sister, good aunt, good girlfriend and good friend. At least I try to be. I am compassionate and I care about others. I'm giving. And I'm back to drawing a blank....
I tried!
As I mentioned yesterday, this entry is a bit more challenging. I tend to be so hard on myself and focus on the things that I don't like, so when I try to think of what I do like, I draw a blank. I think that I am a very loving and loyal person. I'm a good daughter, good sister, good aunt, good girlfriend and good friend. At least I try to be. I am compassionate and I care about others. I'm giving. And I'm back to drawing a blank....
I tried!
09 September 2010
30 More Days
I was reading Faith and Deployments and came across a new 30 Day Meme. This one is a little different, a little more challenging. It will make me think and do some self-exploration, I think. Since I'm flying solo this month, I think I'll try it out. Here's the schedule. Want to join me? (My first entry is after the schedule....)
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day One: Something you hate about yourself
Oh boy. I've been wallowing in my insecurity lately, so this could get lengthy. And that is one thing I don't like about myself - my insecurity. I feel loved and I know that the Captain chose me and continues to choose to be with me, so why do I get so hung up on things that make me feel bad (I'm not as pretty as so and so, does he wish I was more like his ex-wife, I bet he wishes I was more {insert random thing here}). I don't express these things often, but these types of thoughts have really taken over my mind lately. The few times I have talked about it, he's very good at telling me that he wants me and only me, I am beautiful, he loves me, etc. But I'm terrible at turning off my worries. I don't like that I'm not very assertive. I will let people hurt me and walk all over me. I won't speak up for myself. It's something I'm working on, but it's a struggle. I don't like my body or my complexion. Or my stretch marks (and I have no child to blame for those!). I could go on, but I won't Yeah....I need to learn to be more positive! Tomorrow's entry might pose more of a challenge.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day One: Something you hate about yourself
Oh boy. I've been wallowing in my insecurity lately, so this could get lengthy. And that is one thing I don't like about myself - my insecurity. I feel loved and I know that the Captain chose me and continues to choose to be with me, so why do I get so hung up on things that make me feel bad (I'm not as pretty as so and so, does he wish I was more like his ex-wife, I bet he wishes I was more {insert random thing here}). I don't express these things often, but these types of thoughts have really taken over my mind lately. The few times I have talked about it, he's very good at telling me that he wants me and only me, I am beautiful, he loves me, etc. But I'm terrible at turning off my worries. I don't like that I'm not very assertive. I will let people hurt me and walk all over me. I won't speak up for myself. It's something I'm working on, but it's a struggle. I don't like my body or my complexion. Or my stretch marks (and I have no child to blame for those!). I could go on, but I won't Yeah....I need to learn to be more positive! Tomorrow's entry might pose more of a challenge.
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