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New mommy. Southern. Conservative. Sorority woman. Army wife. Avid reader.

16 April 2010

Fears and Frustrations

When I look at a clock to see what time it is, I automatically calculate what time it is in the one of seven time zones he travels between these days. I can’t remember how to knit or how to solve an algebraic equation or where I put my high school yearbook, but I can tell you what time it is in [insert random country here]. TDY shouldn’t bother me this much when we don’t even live on the same continent, but this one is kicking my ass for some reason. Maybe because it’s so long and our communication goes way down when he’s traveling. Maybe because it means it will be at least July before I am able to see him again (which I know is nothing compared to deployments). Maybe it’s because I just wish I was waiting in a place he comes home to instead of here. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a date to count down to of when we’ll get to be together again. I’ve been pretty good about the distance between us until recently. I thought it would have been the other way around; harder at first and then getting easier. Definitely not true. My need for us to call the same place home has become overwhelming. Logically, I know I would be just as alone if we lived together as I am right now, but something inside me feels that it would be different. Still lonely, but a different kind of lonely. I guess I’m just feeling a little insecure about everything right now and I really hate that feeling. I want to know that it won’t always be like this and that we are moving towards something better. In my heart, I do believe that it’s all going to work out and that by the end of the year (if not sooner…oh how I hope it’s sooner) we can finally move forward together. I actually believe that he loves me and that he means it when he says he wants what I want. But my fears are kicking in. However, anyone who knows me would be pretty impressed that it’s taken me over a year for my fears to kick into overdrive. I just miss him. I miss being his arms. I miss his heartbeat. I miss the feeling I get when he walks into the room. I miss it all.

Bits of randomness…
• I am trying to make myself start the Couch to 5K program, but I can’t seem to make my ass go run. I’m not a runner. I’d like to be one, but I’m just not. I need a workout partner desperately. I think that would help a lot. I’d also like to try Zumba, P90X and Insanity. Yeah, I apparently have a death wish.
• I’ll have to call B something other than the Captain later on this year. His name was on the promotion list in March and I am sooo proud of him. I know it was a really big deal for him and I am praying I can be there with him when it actually takes place. I know there has been a lot of controversy, for lack of a better word, about the rank of our significant others on Twitter and the blogosphere this week, but damn if I'm not going to be proud of him. He works his ass off and has for years. Everyone should be proud of their love's accomplishments - enlisted, officer, civilian, whatever. Pride doesn't equal "wearing rank".
• The aforementioned loneliness would probably not be as ever present if I didn’t have so much down time on my hands, but the job hunt STILL sucks. My grad school was listed as #1 in the country by US News and World Report this week. A lot of good that degree and ranking are doing me, huh? I really regret not getting my degree in something else now.
• I did what I said I would never do last week. I read the Twilight series. I am hooked and feel like a dork. I need to watch the movies now. I wish there were more books in the series. I am having withdrawals.
• I hate Clearwire Internet service. They suck.
* I'm sad that Ugly Betty is over.
* I want an iPad. And an iPod Touch. And a MacBook. Yeah...I'm trying to become an Apple junkie. Too bad that takes money.

I think that covers my random thoughts and irritations. My mind is just all over the place right now! Thanks for following along :)


Melissa said...

Hugs Sweetie! I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. Feel free to call if you want to talk.

Amanda said...

Told you, you'd love Twilight! Its addicting! :-)

Angel said...

The more we love em the harder it gets! Hang in there chica!

Beautiful Dreamer said...

Hey I just wanted to stop by and say hello. You were previously following my blog 3000 Miles in Love. Just wanted to let you know that since the breakup I have changed my blog name. Come check it out!

MTM said...

I did Couch to 5K and it's GREAT. I am NOT a runner and this program helped me run my first 5K!